Today I should have woken up pretty early, gotten myself ready, and tucked lunches away in school bags. I should have woken DB up from his wild-haired toddler slumber and got him dressed, buckled him in to his car seat, and taken him to school. I should have been unlocking a classroom door by 7:30 (ish) this morning. I should be sitting in meetings and making to-do lists. I should be copying a syllabus and making lesson plans.
But I’m not.
Today is the first day reality is hitting for me. I’m not living in my “should” anymore. I’ll admit, I woke up today feeling a little weird about it. I MIGHT have even text some friends, “Have a great first day!”. This girl has got some FOMO, let me just be honest about that up front.
I went to college. I got the degree. I’m still paying for that degree (can I get an amen?). So why am I not at school today?
I realized sometime last Fall that my heart had shifted, and it had shifted BIG. The morning hustle (something Ellen Talbot was not built for), leaving DB with someone for 9 hours a day, coming home and running a business until late at night, all my weekends spent working…that was my reality and I was empty. My schedule and calendar were busting, but I was exhausted. Somewhere along the way I just stopped believing the lie that “hustling” was how God wanted me to live. I’m an Enneagram 2 and, by nature, I help. I want to do everything and be everything for everyone.
But it was way past time that stopped.
I’d say all of my responsibilities in life were getting about 30% of me, and that’s generous because admitting anything less out loud makes me feel terrible.
Late last Fall I had a series of conversations with Philip, and after a lot of prayer and some good opportunities sent my way we decided together it was time for me to walk away from the classroom. Teaching is what I should be doing today.
But I’m not.
So what DID I do today? I woke up before anyone else and had quiet time with a God who keeps astounding me with His provisions. I woke up a wild-haired little boy (this is unavoidable, regardless of what time it is) who makes my world go round. We watched Mickey together while he ate breakfast and I sipped coffee. I hosted a sweet family in the studio with their newborn twin boys. I’m making time this afternoon to take a meal to a friend from church. I’m having coffee this evening with a friend who I’ve gone too long without seeing and loving on.
And I’ll finish the day thankful and with a full heart.
Sometimes all we need is a little nudge to step outside our “should”. Come what may, I’m eternally grateful I’m not doing what I should be doing today.
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.
All the praise hands for a God who establishes my steps. Will owning a business be hard? Yes. Will there be uncertainty? Yes. Do I feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing? A thousand times, yes and amen.
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